When I saw this a few things came to mind, but there were two things that interested me most about this particular post. The fact that it was a response by a woman to a post by a man and what exactly my son (15 years old) would think about what he would see. So here it is (click the image to zoom more clearly):
I think its a fathers responsibility to teach their sons about finding the right woman and being the right man. I do my best not to tell my son what to think but to help him to see alternative points of view and make good choices. So I asked him what he thought about this.
Me: Son, read this and tell me what you think.
(5 seconds later)
Son: Uh, Dad. I can't understand what she is saying. She can't spell and I can't read it.
Me: That's ok, take your time and skip the parts you can't make out quite yet and maybe you can figure it out.
(3 full minutes later)
Son: Wow, that was hard.
Me: What do you think? Would you go out with this kind of girl?
Son: No, I think she is retarded.
Me: Why do you think that?
Son: She is either really dumb cause she can't write or she is trying to sound dumb, which is dumb anyway.
Why did this intrigue me? This reply is by a single woman with 3 kids. She has made a few broad assumptions about men that I am guessing has to be based on her experience. Things like, and I am paraphrasing for everyone's sake, "Men nowadays just want a woman to take care of them while they sit on their butt's and party." Based on that, I inferred that she wants a man who has their act together, can contribute, and won't take advantage of her. Really, what woman doesn't want that? It makes perfect sense. But the way she chose to communicate this tells me another story.
How many men would read that and based on the first impression say "Wow, this is the woman for me!" She writes like she is trying to come off as gangster or cool. I asked several of my male friends what they thought in reading this, as a first impression. These friends range from 18-38 (not including my 15 year old son), most single, but a few married, all types of races and creeds, and of varying income and educational backgrounds. Here are some of the thoughts they had.
"After hearing the first sentence I would walk away. I have a girl that speaks proper English, not an idiot, and doesn't have 3 kids. Most important though, its the ignorance I just can't stand."
"I was turned off after the first sentence"
"I think she is trying too hard to be ghetto, when she is saying she wants a man who has it all together, which usually isn't someone who is ghetto."
"Oh come on now! Who doesn't find that attractive? Oh yeah, me"
"I think talking like that is a turn off for me. I am picky and hearing that would piss me off. I'd walk away."
"You have to try really hard to sound that stupid."
"Just the way she came out her mouth with the cussing and stuff. That's not lady like to me. The words she used that's not cool. I want somebody that's real I don't want somebody that tries to hard."
I said at the beginning, this isn't exactly fair, but what men see as a first impression shapes how they will treat a girl.
"I don't see her as someone I would bring home to mom. I do see her as someone I would bring back somewhere and make sure she has a wrong phone number the next morning."
"I see girls like this all the time, they say one thing, but they act another way. They don't want respect cause they don't treat themselves with respect."
"Heck no, I wouldn't try to be with her in long-term nor short. Her mentality is so general and stereotypical that it'd be impossible for me to consider making the first step. People like that tend to be very hard to change, and if she's got that bad of a mentality about all men, then I'd be unable to work to make her trust me, which is half of a relationship."
"I wouldn't ever think to hook up with someone like this because of the fact that she let that situation get so bad. She obviously picked the wrong men and is now just looking for someone to foot the bill for her instead of finding someone that really means something to her."
"Well, I would never try to hook up with her ever. She's a hood rat, uneducated, and sounds like she did a song with Dr. Dre. She will never do much with her life cause she will hunt for a man who will give her the life she wants."
Relationships are never actually 50/50, at least not all the time. If you want to know where I come up short, just ask my wife, she has a laundry list. I haven't been single in a very long time, but if I were, and this were the first impression I had of this girl, I would wonder what exactly someone like this would have to offer in a long term relationship. I don't expect perfection, but anyone who doesn't think they are being judged all the time is fooling themselves. We are all judged. Maybe she doesn't care what people think. I can absolutely respect that. I have made it a habit of not caring what others think, especially when it came to getting married in High School and having kids so young. But that too comes with a price. There are some opportunities that have closed behind me that I can never recapture, because I did not care what they thought about me. We can never have it both ways. We want someone to care for us and be responsible but those people want things too. Some want a girl to be a lady. Some want a girl they can bring home to mom. Some want no baggage. It's very possible that there is someone out there looking for a foul mouthed girl who cannot write intelligently with 3 kids and a ton of mental baggage and I hope she finds them and I hope they are what she is looking for too.
Please don't judge the comments she made too harshly, nor the comments that they people I asked either. Her comment is just a snapshot in time, and their comments are a first impression based solely on what they saw. But I do think its a very eye opening lesson for everyone, myself included to ask "Am I coming across the way I want to?" and "Do I judge too harshly based on first impressions?" This is for you to decide.
Finally, to end with the last part of the conversation between my son and I:
Me: Based on what you read, do you think this girl has anything to offer in a long term relationship?
Son: Sure, 3 kids and money problems.
I do love my son! :)
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