Ways to get her to fall in love with you!

Todays blog comes from the Just Jesse email box.  Frequent reader R. Boothy writes:

Just Jesse,

There is a cute girl I want to date.  She finally agreed to go out with me but I have no clue what to do.  Help!

R Boothy

Well Boothy, I haven't been on the dating scene in a while but I am happy to try to help.  Actually, I got married 17 years ago and really was never on the dating scene, but hey, how hard can it really be?  Here are a few tips I have to make your upcoming date a great one!

1.  Show up late.


The thing you have to understand about women is that they are creatures of habit.  They spend lots of time in the bathroom doing make-up, hair, nails, rebuilding small engines, unlocking the secrets of the universe, ect.  Have you ever waited on a woman in the bathroom???  Yeah, it takes a while.  They hate to be rushed.  They expect you to already know this so you will really impress your date by showing up late.  If your date is at 7:00 pm, then the rule of thumb is to add a minimum of two hours to this.  Show up at 9:00, instant brownie points.  If for some reason showing up late isn't possible, then show up really early and then complain while you have to wait.  The female brain is wired a bit different so she will translate "Geez, could you BE any slower?" to "My darling, I cannot bear to wait any longer to be in the presence of your beauty!"  Trust me, complaints equal compliments.

2.  Use public transportation


You have seen the commercials with the hot woman fawning all over the sports car or the luxury automobile, right?  That's false advertising.  Women love men who are environmentally conscious.  Nothing says "I want lower greenhouse emissions" than taking the bus.  Less cars on the road are sexy to women.  Public transportation also gives you the chance to show her that you don't shy away from the important issues in society like homelessness.  Sit as close as you can to the grungiest, smelliest homeless guy that you can.  Show her you care.  Also, ask her if she has a $20 bill.  Then give it to the homeless guy.  This shows how much you care about the world.  

3.  Compliments


Here is an area where you can really shine.  Make sure you compliment her.  But you must be creative.  Stay away from things like "That is a beautiful dress" and "You have the most beautiful eyes".  They hear that stuff all the time and lets be honest, women think it gets old.  Being complimented on your looks and clothes is just overdone.  Instead, compliment her on things she hasn't been told before.  Things like "Wow, your hairdresser does a great job plucking your mustache, you can hardly see the 5 o'clock shadow!" or "Most women wouldn't wear shoes that accentuate their cankles that way, but you pull it off nicely!"  

4.  Dinner


Most dates consist of some meal, usually dinner.  Now you have a couple of options here.  Most women enjoy the finer things in life, so be sure to select somewhere really nice.  Upscale and high dollar.  However, today's woman believes firmly in things like gender equality.  Show her you fully support her stance on this by letting her pick up the check.  Commonly this is an area where she will test you to see if you are really the man of her dreams.  After all, after showing up late, using public transportation, and the bevy of compliments you give, she is already thinking you are too good to be true.  It could seem a bit awkward when the check comes and she stares blankly at you.  THIS IS HER TESTING YOU.  Stand your ground and if more than a few minutes passes, gently slide the check toward her and nod your head.  She will take this as a sign that you do not have to be the dominate one in this relationship and she is free to practice gender equality.  

5.  The Goodbye


It's the end of the date, the bus had dropped you both off about 2 blocks from her place and you are walking her home.  Show her your athletic prowess by speed walking to her place.  She might seem to lag behind a little bit but thats because after she was so dominate by paying the check, she wants to show you that she cares enough about your equality to let you beat her to the door.  This is a sign that she might be ready for that proverbial "cup of coffee".  She might play coy and say something like "Uh yeah, you don't have to call me tomorrow or anything, just lose my number".  This translates to "You dont have to call me tomorrow cause I will be seeing you at breakfast!".  Women enjoy it when the man takes the lead in these cases.  Grab her by the waist, pull her in tight, and shove your tongue directly down her gullet.  This is especially important if you had a lot to drink at dinner.  Share her chewing gum too, its a sign of commitment.  


R Boothy, I hope these hints help you out on this once in a lifetime opportunity date with the woman of your dreams.  As always, I am happy to help my loyal readers.  Please feel free to comment below and share with anyone who could use these tips to secure a lifelong and happy relationship!

The preceding was meant as humor.  I sure hope to hell that none of you actually go out and do anything like this, but if you do - a. - I am not responsible and b. - please mail me right away and tell me in detail what happens!  PS - No dogs were harmed in the writing of this blog, especially drowned, no drowning, I promise  (inside joke)

Five things that were ok before but aren't now...

Times change.  That much has always been certain.  Things that are great today are horrible tomorrow.  The NASCAR Sprint Cup was once the NASCAR Winston Cup.  Winston being the cigarette brand that was the former sponsor.  Cigarettes were once a symbol of cool, now its the symbol of cancer.  There was a time that any picture published of a woman had her in an apron and heels.  Today you can't even suggest that a woman make you a sandwich without getting slapped.  When I was a kid I had a BB gun.  Very few parents today would give a kid one.  Thirty years from now we will look back on the things we do today and wonder what in the world we were thinking.  Here are a few things that used to be ok, but aren't now...

1.  Interesting Product Placement

Wait, what?  Is that Fred and Wilma lighting up?  No, thats not a photoshop.  Winston used to be a major sponsor of that show back in the 60's.  

You are seeing it right.  Winston, same brand that was sponsoring NASCAR, in every home, marketed to every child.  Used to be ok, isnt now.

2.  Before it was "So easy a caveman can do it"...

Sexist?

More sexist?

Most sexist!

3.  More genius marketing...

Soap that'll turn you white?  I don't think this needs much explaining.

4.  Kids with guns...

This was in a comic book, clearly targeting kids to spend their Christmas money on a gun.  Just send it in, comes in the mail, ready to start shooting out of the box!

5.  Got a toothache?

Yep, if you have a toothache, all you need is some cocaine!   In 1885 the U.S. manufacturer Parke-Davis sold cocaine in various forms, including cigarettes, powder, and even a cocaine mixture that could be injected directly into the user's veins with the included needle. The company promised that its cocaine products would "supply the place of food, make the coward brave, the silent eloquent and render the sufferer insensitive to pain."

What's appropriate today that won't be tomorrow?  Post your thoughts and ideas below.  Please share too!!!

The right to bear arms, for now...

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

The 2nd Amendment to the United States Constitution, as written.  One of the most cherished and protected rights of the people is the right to have guns.  I personally do not own a gun.  I really cannot envision a circumstance where I would own one.  I don't hunt.  I don't feel that I am in mortal peril all the time.  I don't think the government needs overthrowing anytime in the near future.  I don't think Canada is about to grow a set and invade anytime soon either.  All that said, I believe completely and unequivocally in a persons right to own a gun.  I have lots of friends who are hunters.  I have fired guns before and I wouldn't mind going to a shooting range and firing off a few rounds, just to test my skill.  Guns are part of America and should continue to be a protected right of the people.

Florida's governor announced a task force to discuss guns.  This is in response to the Trayvon Martin shooting.  I am not going to write about that shooting.  Its been driven into the ground by news media, bloggers, right and left wing nut jobs, and everyone else with a pulse.  Every time a shooting occurs, whether it be in the commission of a crime, an accidental shooting (see Dick Cheney shooting his hunting partner in the face), or a kid playing with their parents handgun and killing himself or someone else, groups of people come out of the woodwork in favor of abolishing guns.  To understand why this is a bad idea, one need only review the history books.

Early American settlers viewed the right to bear arms as an absolute necessity.  Reasons range from deterring tyrannical government, repelling invasion, suppressing insurrection, facilitating a natural right of self-defense, participating in law enforcement, and enabling the people to organize a militia system.  All of the reasons they wanted guns are the same reasons we should as well.  Not much has changed.  If anyone thinks even for a second that our government would NEVER suppress the rights of the people to the extent that we would not need to deter them via insurrection then they should only take a look at governments around the world today.  As much as we would like to think we have grown to the point of civility that we wouldn't need guns is fooling themselves.  For the record, we in America are not near this point.  One could say that the reason we aren't is the right to bear arms.  It is much easier to suppress a people who have no means to retaliate.

There are lots of people who want firearms banned.  I can understand why they might feel this way.  No one likes to hear of someone being murdered.  No one likes to hear about accidents with guns involving children.  Seems like an easy fix, just ban guns, right?  Criminals seem to have no problem getting guns, banning them will change nothing.  Criminals get access to drugs easily and those are illegal.  Banning drugs didn't make them magically disappear.  Banning drugs didn't keep them away from children either.  Banning guns will only prevent those who legally and lawfully own and use them from having them.  This solves nothing.

It's not the right to bear arms that should be removed.  Regulating guns won't work.  Harsher penalties for gun related crimes is needed.  We have a problem in our country.  People want criminals in jail but they don't want to pay for them.  People complain about overcrowding in prisons, but then demand that something be done about criminals.  So what to do?  There are no easy answers.  I would suggest that lesser crimes not contain jail time.  We have tons of things that need doing in our nation.  Its time to leverage those who commit crimes as menial labor.  Smoke weed - Go to jail.  Steal a shirt - Go to jail.  Owe the IRS - Go to jail.  Owe back child support - Go to jail.  Punch a guy in the face - Go to jail.  Why?

California’s Annual Costs to Incarcerate an  Inmate in Prison

2008-09

Type of Expenditure
Per Inmate Costs

Security
$19,663
Inmate Health Care
$12,442
Medical care
$8,768
Psychiatric services
$1,928
Pharmaceuticals
$998
Dental care
$748
Operations
$7,214
Facility operations (maintenance, utilities, etc.)
$4,503
Classification services
$1,773
Maintenance of inmate records
$660
Reception, testing, assignment
$261
Transportation
$18
Administration
$3,493
Inmate Support
$2,562
Food
$1,475
Inmate activities
$439
Inmate employment and canteen
$407
Clothing
$171
Religious activities
$70
Rehabilitation Programs
$1,612
Academic education
$944
Vocational training
$354
Substance abuse programs
$313
Miscellaneous
$116
Total
$47,102

That's right, over $47k per year to house an inmate.  We, the taxpayer, spend over $1 billion dollars every year just on incarcerating people for marijuana alone.  Instead of spending that money we should be sentencing these people to hours of labor.  You free up prison space to more harshly deal with violent criminals (like those who use guns in the commission of a crime).  You free up tax dollars to be spent on boosting our economy, creating jobs, solidifying social security.  Is this perfect.  Nope.  I am sure someone reading this will poke holes in this plan.  I am fairly sure I haven't thought of everything.  But to bring this back around to the point and the topic, making guns illegal will not fix the problem.  Dealing with illegal gun users in much more harsh ways is a better start.  

Thoughts?  Ideas?  Please share.  

We have the right to free speech, sometimes.

I was reading ESPN.com and saw where baseball manager Ozzie Guillen was suspended for 5 games by Major League Baseball for comments he made to Time Magazine.  Guillen told Time magazine he loves Castro and respects him for staying in power so long. Later when read his comments , he said he felt sick because he knew how people would react.  He promptly apologized for the comments and said it was because he was thinking in Spanish but talking in English.

In no way do I agree with his comments.  I am about as far from being a Castro supporter as one could be.  But lets assume that what Ozzie Guillen said was not a case of lost in translation, but his actual honest to goodness feelings.  Guillen is a citizen of the United States of America.  He was born in Venezuela but became naturalized citizens of the US in 2006.  He, just like me, has his speech protected by the first amendment. He wasn't speaking at a press conference for the Marlins (the team he coaches). And yes, it is not lost on me that he is a celebrity and a public figure whose words will be scrutinized regardless of any political context.   In this case, he was being interviewed for a magazine.  He was on his own time.  He made a very unpopular statement.  I am sure that Major League Baseball has policies in place that govern unpopular speech even when not in uniform.  My question isn't if what he said was right or wrong, its should he have the right to say it.

The First Amendment protects your right to free speech.  Under this amendment, criticism of the government and advocacy of unpopular ideas that people may find distasteful or against public policy, such as racism, sexism, and other hate speech are almost always permitted. (per wikipedia)  What he said was clearly unpopular.  Most would find it distasteful.  It is very much against our governments policy.  Where does this amendment actually protect people if his employer is allowed to suspend and fine him?

Put another way, taking it to the logical extreme, my employer could also put in place a policy that restricts my right to say what I like.  I could be sitting at a bar, eating wings, drinking a cold beverage, and I say to the guy next to me "Boy, Obama sure does suck!".  My employers position on speaking out against the government could be to fine me or suspend me or to even fire me.  How is this scenario different from what Ozzie Guillen is facing?  What I said was unpopular (to some) just as what he said was unpopular (to some, but likely to a few more people).  Is his celebrity the only difference?  Lets say this blog really takes off and I become a worldwide phenomenon.  Am I no longer entitled to my unpopular opinions?  Are there not segments of our society who still believe in many very unpopular things?

The danger in policing speech becomes where the line is drawn.  Pro-Castro is a very short leap to Anti-Obama.  You wont find many pro-Castro folks who are not anti-US and by extension anti-Obama.  There are people who believe that we should not be fighting in the Middle East.  This ideal is quite unpopular with those who do.  Is it reasonable that anyone should have the right to enforce silence on these topics from those who dissent even in you "represent" another organization?

I admit, its a fine line.  A company's reputation is based on the image of those who represent it.  When AFLAC fired Gilbert Gottlieb over remarks he made as a comedian, no one flinched.  AFLAC just found a new voice for the duck and life went on.  I would argue that by allowing this type of censorship, we draw ourselves one step close to the "Big Brother is watching you" scenario from the book 1984.  The challenge is that no one wants to step up and say "Hey!  Let Guillen support Castro!" because it is unpopular.

Comments?  Leave em here!  Please share.

10 Misconceptions Dispelled

I found this while looking around and thought I would share, it is republished with permission.

[Source: Misconception Junction]

Comments?  Share if you like!

Ten pictures to make you smile!

They say life is short.  That's a load of crap.  Life can be long, dull, and frustrating.  It's the little things that bring happiness into your day that make it tolerable.  So here is my effort to bring a smile to your face today.  There are 10 random pictures to make you smile!!!

#1:  If you are reading this, I know what you are doing.

#2:  Undercooked pork?

#3:  Economy bad?  Find a good sale

#4:  Still want a tattoo?

#5:  Next level political correctness?

#6:  Doing it wrong. VERY WRONG.

#7:  OMG, GET HIM!

#8:  Relationships - you are doing it wrong.

#9:  Sparkling Vampires Suck

#10:  He's smiling at you, smile back!

Share and comment!  Enjoy your day!